Two weeks ago, I went backpacking alone. The idea was to get off-grid at a remote campsite, up in the mountains above Pasadena, to escape a sudden heat wave. At altitude, surely there’d be some reprieve. And I’d do it alone, hopefully see no one. I drew up lists and packed my backpack. I made plans to test a new device I’d gotten following the recent car incident, and I bought a bear canister at REI, to keep food and toothpaste from prying noses.
Then I surprised myself, a few days beforehand, by feeling nervous, a little fearful.
“What are you nervous about,” my wife said a few days before I left. I said I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was that I hadn’t done the trail before or visited the site, and didn’t quite know what was in store. Maybe it’s this strange period, as 2020 and 2021 are further behind us, that seems full of possibility, but also full of traps.
More simply, maybe it was the thought of being up there alone – alone with myself. I wanted solitude. I also feared it. What did that mean?
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Meditations in an Emergency to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.